The Intersection of Child Development and Behavior Regulation
Written By: Dr. Jeanette Sawyer-Cohen
You’re in the checkout line. Your toddler is screaming because you won’t buy the candy. You can feel the eyes on you — and maybe even the shame creeping in. You wonder, “Why can’t they just behave?”
Here’s the truth that often gets missed: behavior isn’t just about choices — it’s about development.
What looks like defiance, tantrums, or overreaction is often a sign that your child’s brain is still learning how to manage big emotions, solve problems, and handle disappointment. In this post, we’re diving into the connection between child development and behavior regulation — because when we understand what’s developmentally appropriate, we can parent with more confidence, patience, and compassion.
Let’s reframe the way we see behavior — not as something to “fix,” but as something to understand.
Understanding the Building Blocks of Child Development
Before we can talk about behavior regulation, we have to zoom out and look at the foundation it stands on: child development. So often, when a child struggles to listen, manage emotions, or stay calm under stress, we immediately jump to strategies for behavior. But behavior is just the tip of the iceberg — what lies beneath is a complex, unfolding process of brain and body development that’s still very much under construction.
Think of it this way: a child’s ability to follow directions, cope with disappointment, or pause before acting on impulse isn’t something they’re born knowing how to do. These are skills that emerge over time, shaped by biology, environment, and relationships. And they don’t all grow at once, or on a perfect timeline. Some children develop emotional awareness early but struggle with attention. Others can focus beautifully but fall apart when plans change. This isn’t defiance — it’s uneven development, and it’s completely normal.
At the heart of this process is the brain. In the early years especially, a child’s brain is growing at an incredible rate, building the architecture for things like memory, emotional control, language, and social awareness. But the part of the brain responsible for impulse control and reasoning — the prefrontal cortex — won’t fully mature until their mid-20s. That means the behaviors we often expect (like staying calm, thinking before acting, or understanding consequences) are still very much in progress.
Emotional development plays a key role here, too. Young children don’t start with the tools to name or manage their feelings. A meltdown isn't a calculated act of rebellion — it's often the only way their nervous system knows how to offload overwhelm. Similarly, social development — the ability to take another’s perspective, wait for a turn, or share a toy — unfolds in layers, shaped by age, temperament, and experience.
It’s also important to know that development isn’t linear. Kids hit growth spurts in some areas while lagging in others. One week, your child might seem incredibly independent; the next, they’re clinging to you like it’s day one of preschool all over again. These shifts can be confusing, but they’re often a sign that something new is being wired underneath the surface.
When we understand the building blocks of child development, we begin to see behavior differently. Instead of asking, “Why are they doing this?” we start to wonder, “What skill is still developing here?” That shift in perspective changes everything — not just how we parent, but how we connect.
What Behavior Regulation Really Means
“Self-regulation” and “behavior regulation” are terms that get thrown around a lot in parenting spaces, but what do they actually mean — and what do they look like in real life?
Managing Emotions
At its core, behavior regulation is a child’s ability to manage their emotions, thoughts, and actions in a way that’s appropriate for the situation they’re in. It’s what helps them take turns, calm themselves down, follow directions, or ask for help instead of yelling when something feels hard. But — and this is so important — these skills aren’t just about knowing better. They’re about the brain’s capacity to do better, and that capacity develops over time.
Emotional Awareness, Impulse Control, Problem Solving
For a young child, regulation might look like learning to wait for a snack without a meltdown. For an older child, it might be resisting the urge to blurt out an answer in class or walking away from an argument with a sibling instead of escalating it. These are not small feats. They require a blend of emotional awareness, impulse control, and problem-solving — all skills that take years to build and don’t always show up reliably, even once they’ve emerged.
Co-Regulation
In fact, behavior regulation isn’t something a child just "has" or "doesn't have" — it's something they practice, again and again, with lots of support along the way. That’s where co-regulation comes in. When a parent helps a child calm down, talks them through big feelings, or offers a safe presence in the middle of a meltdown, they’re actually helping the child build those regulatory pathways in the brain. Over time, the child internalizes that support and begins to do more of it on their own.
Not an All-or-Nothing Skill
It’s also important to remember that regulation isn't an all-or-nothing skill. A child might be able to hold it together beautifully at school but fall apart at home, or stay calm when losing a board game but melt down during transitions. That doesn’t mean they’re being manipulative — it means their system is still learning how to regulate across different settings, with different stressors.
Learning Over Time
So when your child “loses it,” struggles to follow through, or reacts in a way that feels disproportionate, it doesn’t mean they’re broken or misbehaving. It means they’re human. And like all humans — especially the small, still-developing kind — they’re learning how to manage a complex inner world in a big, often overstimulating outer one.
Understanding that regulation is a skill — not a given — allows us to respond with more patience and less pressure. Because instead of expecting perfection, we start looking for progress.
Where the Two Meet — Development Drives Behavior
This is where the lightbulb moment often happens for parents: when we realize that behavior isn’t separate from development — it is development in action.
A child’s ability to manage their emotions, follow directions, cope with frustration, or pause before acting isn't just about teaching them rules or enforcing consequences. Those behaviors are directly tied to what’s happening in their brain and body. In other words, behavior is a window into where a child is developmentally.
Take a toddler who throws a toy when they’re told “no.” That reaction isn’t about being willful — it’s about having an underdeveloped impulse control system and limited language to express big feelings. Or consider a seven-year-old who melts down after school. It’s not necessarily “bad behavior” — it could be a sign that their emotional tank is empty after a long day of holding it together, and they haven’t yet built the internal tools to decompress in more adaptive ways.
We tend to assume kids will “just know” how to behave — that if we tell them enough times or give the right consequence, the behavior will change. But when a child’s brain hasn’t yet developed the wiring to support that behavior, all the correction in the world won’t make it stick. It’s like expecting a plant to bloom before it’s rooted.
Understanding this link doesn’t mean we excuse all behavior or let kids do whatever they want. It means we respond from a place of informed support, not frustration or blame. When we start to see outbursts, defiance, clinginess, or withdrawal as signals of unmet developmental needs — not as failures of discipline — we’re better able to respond in ways that actually build the skills our children need.
This is especially important because development doesn’t unfold in a neat, even pattern. A child might be ahead in verbal skills but behind in emotional regulation. They might seem socially mature one moment and completely impulsive the next. That back-and-forth is normal — and temporary — as their brains integrate all the different pieces of growth.
So the next time your child’s behavior has you wondering, What is going on?, try flipping the question: What developmental need is showing up here? More often than not, that question will guide you toward compassion, clarity, and connection — all of which are more powerful than any punishment or reward.
What Parents Can Do — Responding with Development in Mind
Once we understand that behavior is rooted in development, everything shifts. Suddenly, we’re not just reacting to behavior — we’re responding to needs. And that difference? It’s everything.
When a child is melting down, defying a request, or lashing out at a sibling, our first instinct is often to correct the behavior. And that makes sense — it’s what most of us were taught to do. But if we only focus on stopping the behavior, we miss the chance to actually build the skills our kids need to manage themselves in the future.
Responding with development in mind means pausing to ask: What is my child trying to communicate through this behavior? What skill might they still be developing? It means parenting in a way that meets the child where they are — not just where we wish they were.
Let’s say your preschooler hits another child during play. Instead of jumping straight to punishment, consider what developmental factors might be at play. Are they still learning impulse control? Do they have the language to express frustration? Are they overwhelmed by the social dynamics of the game? In that moment, the most helpful response might sound like: “I won’t let you hit. I can see you’re frustrated. Let’s figure out another way to handle this.”
This kind of response doesn’t just stop the behavior — it teaches a skill. And it tells the child: You’re safe. I see you. I’m here to help you learn.
Here’s what responding with development in mind can look like at different stages:
With toddlers, it often means stepping in to co-regulate — offering comfort, modeling calm, and using short, simple language. They don’t yet have the wiring to manage their feelings on their own.
For preschoolers, it might mean helping them name their emotions, holding boundaries with warmth, and giving them scripts for common challenges (“I don’t like that!” instead of pushing).
In the early school years, we can support regulation by offering choices, building routines, and using tools like visual schedules or emotion charts to scaffold independence.
With tweens, it often means giving them space to reflect, involving them in problem-solving, and validating that their emotional world is complex and real — even when the behavior seems immature.
The key thread across all ages is this: connection before correction. When kids feel seen and supported, they’re more able to access the part of their brain that learns and grows. When they feel shamed or misunderstood, that growth gets shut down.
This doesn’t mean you have to be calm every time or get it “right” on the first try. You’re human, too. What matters most is consistency, repair, and the message you send through your presence: “I’m here to help you learn, not punish you for being in progress.”
Because really, that’s what regulation is — a slow, sometimes messy process of growth. And you don’t need to be perfect to support it. You just need to be present, patient, and developmentally informed.
Red Flags vs. Normal Developmental Challenges
If you’ve been reading this and nodding along, maybe there’s also a quiet question sitting in the back of your mind: But what if this isn’t just typical behavior? What if something more is going on?
That question is not only valid — it’s wise. Because while a lot of challenging behaviors are part of the normal, uneven course of development, sometimes behaviors persist or intensify in ways that deserve extra attention and support. As a parent, knowing what’s developmentally typical versus what might be a red flag can help you move forward with clarity, not fear.
Let’s start with the good news: kids are messy, unpredictable, and inconsistent by nature. They regress, they test limits, they fall apart when they’re tired or overstimulated — and none of that means something is wrong. Development is not a straight line. It’s more like a spiral, with progress and setbacks woven together.
But there are times when certain patterns may signal that a child needs more support — not because they’re “bad” or “behind,” but because they may be struggling with something that’s beyond what’s typical for their age or temperament.
Here are some general signs that might indicate it’s time to check in with a pediatrician, therapist, or developmental specialist:
Intensity or frequency: The behavior is so big or happens so often that it significantly impacts daily life — for your child, your family, or both.
Lack of progress over time: All kids have tough phases, but with support, we usually see small signs of growth. If your child seems stuck in the same patterns for months with little change, it may be worth exploring further.
Isolation or withdrawal: If your child avoids social interaction, loses interest in things they used to enjoy, or seems persistently sad, anxious, or disengaged, it’s time to pay attention.
Aggression that feels extreme or unprovoked: Occasional hitting, biting, or yelling is common in young children. But if it’s happening often, with significant intensity, or your child seems unable to stop even when calm, this could be a sign of deeper dysregulation.
Regression that doesn’t bounce back: Temporary setbacks (bedwetting after a move, clinginess after starting school) are normal. But if regression persists or worsens, it’s worth checking in.
Your gut is telling you something’s off: Parental intuition is powerful. If something just doesn’t feel right, trust yourself and reach out.
It’s important to remember that noticing red flags doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with your child — it just means they may need a different kind of support. Seeking help isn’t a failure; it’s a powerful act of advocacy and love. In fact, early support can make a world of difference, not just in behavior, but in confidence, relationships, and long-term emotional well-being.
And here’s the most reassuring part: you don’t have to make these determinations on your own. Pediatricians, child psychologists, occupational therapists, and early intervention teams are all trained to help you sort out what’s typical and what might benefit from more support. You bring the expertise about your child — they bring the expertise in child development. Together, you can figure out the next step.
So if you're feeling unsure — that’s okay. You’re not supposed to have all the answers. You’re just supposed to be curious, connected, and willing to ask questions. That’s how kids grow — and it’s how parents do, too.
Conclusion
At the heart of it all, behavior is never just about rules or discipline — it’s about development, relationships, and a child learning how to navigate a big world with a still-growing brain. When we understand that, we stop seeing difficult behavior as something to fix and start seeing it as something to support.
Your child isn’t behind — they’re becoming. And you don’t have to be a perfect parent to help them regulate, grow, and thrive. You just have to be present, curious, and willing to meet them where they are.
This work is slow and sometimes messy. But it’s also deeply meaningful. Every meltdown, every boundary, every calm breath you model — it’s shaping not just your child’s behavior, but their capacity to feel safe, connected, and understood.
And really, isn’t that what we all need as we grow?
At Everyday Parenting, we believe in empowering families to create meaningful connections and navigate challenges with compassion and confidence. Whether you're seeking strategies to address specific behaviors or simply want to strengthen your family bond, we’re here to support you every step of the way. Contact us today to learn how our evidence-based approaches can help your family thrive.