Parenting During Perimenopause
Written By: Dr.Layne Raskin
There’s a moment many of us don’t talk about—standing in the kitchen, tears welling for no clear reason, your child asking a perfectly reasonable question, and you snapping back with more intensity than you meant to. You pause, ashamed, wondering, Why am I like this right now?
If you’re parenting through perimenopause, you’re not alone. This season is full of contradictions: caring for growing children while your own body feels like it’s unraveling. It’s confusing, exhausting, and often invisible. But here’s the truth—this isn’t just “being hormonal” or “losing it.” It’s a natural, complex transition. And no one gave us a roadmap for how to parent through it.
This post is your invitation to pause, breathe, and make some space for yourself in the midst of all the caretaking. You’re not doing it wrong—you’re doing something really hard. Let’s talk about how to find steadiness, self-compassion, and maybe even a little relief along the way.
What Is Perimenopause, Really?
Let’s start by clearing up one common misconception: Perimenopause isn’t menopause. It’s the winding, often bumpy road that leads there.
Perimenopause is the transitional phase before menopause, when your hormones—primarily estrogen and progesterone—begin fluctuating unpredictably. It usually begins in your 40s, though some start noticing changes in their late 30s. It can last anywhere from a couple of years to over a decade. Yes, a decade.
This phase is marked by irregular periods, sleep disruptions, mood swings, hot flashes, brain fog, and a deep, often disorienting fatigue. And those are just the greatest hits. For many, it also includes anxiety that seems to come out of nowhere, a shorter fuse, night sweats, changes in libido, and moments where your memory goes inexplicably offline. ("Why did I come into this room again?”)
These symptoms can feel like someone shuffled your emotional and physical settings without asking—and they often show up while life is still full-throttle. You're working, raising kids, managing a household, maybe caring for aging parents. And through all of this, your body is quietly (or not so quietly) changing in the background.
“But I still get my period—can I really be in perimenopause?”
Yes. In fact, irregular or changing cycles are one of the clearest early signs. You might go from 28 days like clockwork to 21 one month and 40 the next. Or your flow may change—heavier, lighter, or suddenly unpredictable. It’s like your hormones are sending mixed signals, and you’re left trying to decode the message.
It’s Not Just Physical
What often catches people off guard is the emotional side of perimenopause. Many describe feeling unmoored—like they don’t recognize themselves anymore. One day you’re energized and patient, the next you’re teary and on edge over the smallest things. This isn’t about being “too sensitive.” It’s a real neurological shift, driven by hormones that directly affect mood regulation and cognitive function.
And here’s something important: just because it’s normal doesn’t mean it’s easy. The emotional labor of parenting doesn’t stop during this time. In fact, it often ramps up as your kids hit their own emotional peaks—tweens and teens in particular seem to know how to press every button. It’s a hormonal perfect storm, and you’re allowed to struggle.
The Parenting Collision – When Hormones and Homework Meet
Picture this: It’s 6:15 p.m. You’re trying to pull together something resembling dinner, your tween is groaning over math homework, and your teenager just asked you (for the fourth time) why you’re “so moody lately.”
You take a deep breath. Or try to. But something inside you is already bubbling—your heart is racing, your patience is a threadbare thread, and suddenly it’s not just math you’re wrestling with. It’s yourself.
Welcome to the collision zone—where perimenopause meets parenting. And not just any parenting, but the emotionally charged kind that happens when you’re raising a tween or teen who’s riding their own hormonal rollercoaster.
Two Full-Time Jobs, One Tired Nervous System
Parenting is already a marathon of emotional regulation, executive functioning, and sheer stamina. Add perimenopause to the mix—where your hormones are fluctuating wildly, sleep is inconsistent, and your tolerance for noise, chaos, and emotional messiness is lower than ever—and it’s easy to feel like you’re coming undone.
Now, layer in a child who’s also navigating puberty, whose moods can swing from clingy to combative in minutes. You’re both sensitive, both a little snappy, and both trying to figure out what just happened five minutes ago. You’re managing their meltdowns while managing your own. And some days, it feels like no one in the house has a stable emotional anchor—including you.
This isn’t about “losing control.” It’s about the very real impact of hormonal shifts on your ability to manage stress, maintain focus, and regulate your emotions. Estrogen plays a key role in mood stability and cognitive function. When it dips unpredictably, everything can feel harder: remembering appointments, staying patient, even just keeping your cool when your child leaves their backpack in the hallway again.
And Let’s Be Honest: The Guilt Hits Hard
You know your child isn’t doing anything wrong when they ask for help with their homework or need a ride to soccer practice. But when you’re running on low reserves—emotionally, physically, hormonally—everything can feel like too much. That edge you never used to have? It's right there, sharp and surprising.
And when your child responds to your outburst with their own eye-roll, slammed door, or “You don’t get it,” it can leave you wondering if you’re both spiraling at the same time. (Because… sometimes, you are.)
You Are Not a Bad Parent. You Are a Human in Transition.
It’s so easy to internalize these moments as personal failures. But what if we reframed them as signs that your body and brain are asking for more support?
What if you didn’t have to grit your teeth and push through? What if this is the moment to get curious—not critical—about what you need in order to parent from a steadier place?
Because here’s the truth: your parenting hasn’t fallen apart. Your capacity is shifting. And that’s allowed. There’s no prize for doing it all without pause or permission to feel.
And maybe, just maybe, being honest about what you’re navigating—especially when your kids are navigating their own version of it—becomes a bridge, not a barrier.
Strategies for Finding Emotional Balance
Let’s be real—balance in this season isn’t about perfection. It’s about finding moments of steadiness in the middle of everything: the hormones, the homework, the dishes, the emotions (yours and your child’s). Some days it might be a full exhale. Other days, just remembering to drink water might be your win—and that counts.
The goal here isn’t to fix yourself. It’s to care for yourself like someone who matters. Because you do.
Here are some small but powerful ways to stay grounded when your world feels wobbly:
1. Name It to Tame It
When your emotions spike—whether it's anger, sadness, or a sudden wave of irritability—one of the most effective things you can do is label what you’re feeling.
“I’m feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated right now.”
“This isn’t about my kid not putting their shoes away. This is about me being completely touched out.”
Naming your experience activates the rational part of your brain and calms the emotional centers. It doesn’t make the feeling disappear, but it helps you respond instead of react. Over time, this practice also builds emotional literacy—and can be a powerful model for your kids.
2. Regulate Before You React
Think of your nervous system as the “stage crew” behind every parenting moment. When it’s flooded, your ability to stay calm, listen, and choose your words shrinks. That’s not a personal failure—it’s biology.
Try building a simple “reset routine” into your day. Just a few minutes can shift your emotional state:
Step outside and feel your feet on the ground.
Splash cold water on your face (yes, really—it signals your brain to calm down).
Press your palms together and take 3 deep belly breaths.
Put a hand on your chest and say, “I’m okay. This is hard. But I’m okay.”
You don’t have to be calm all the time. But these micro-regulation tools help you recover more quickly, which matters just as much.
3. Create Mini Retreats (You Don’t Have to Go Far)
We tend to think self-care has to be big spa days, weekends away, and perfect morning routines. But in real life, with kids and laundry and shifting hormones, the magic often happens in the margins.
Ten minutes in the car after drop-off, listening to music that makes you feel like you
A locked bathroom door and a podcast while folding towels
A walk around the block with your phone on Do Not Disturb
The goal is to create small “off-duty” moments that remind your nervous system: You’re allowed to rest. You don’t have to be on all the time.
4. Support Your Body Like It’s on Your Team
You don’t need to overhaul your life, but supporting your body can make a big difference in how you feel emotionally. This isn’t about controlling your symptoms—it’s about offering yourself a little more kindness through the basics:
Sleep: Aim for consistency more than quantity. Try a wind-down ritual that signals your brain it's time to rest.
Movement: Gentle stretching, a walk, or even dancing in the kitchen can help process stress hormones.
Nutrition: Focus on stabilizing your blood sugar—fewer crashes mean fewer mood swings.
Hydration: It’s not glamorous, but being even slightly dehydrated can increase irritability and fatigue.
Think of these not as “shoulds,” but as acts of care. Little signals to your body and brain that say: You matter, too.
Final Thought: You Don’t Have to Earn a Break
You don’t have to earn rest by checking off your entire to-do list. You don’t need to be patient all day to deserve kindness at night. This season asks a lot of you, and it’s okay to ask something in return.
Start small. Be curious. Show yourself even a fraction of the gentleness you offer your kids. That’s what balance looks like here—not perfect, but possible.
When It’s More Than Just Hormones: PMDD, ADHD, Anxiety & the Perimenopause Puzzle
Perimenopause doesn’t happen in a vacuum. If you’ve lived with PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder), ADHD, anxiety, depression, or any other mental health condition, this phase can feel like someone turned up the volume on all of it—without warning and without your consent.
And that’s not just in your head. It’s in your brain chemistry.
The Hormonal Amplifier Effect
Estrogen and progesterone aren’t just reproductive hormones—they’re deeply involved in mood regulation, cognition, and executive functioning. So when these levels start to fluctuate in perimenopause, they can exacerbate symptoms of:
PMDD: If your premenstrual mood shifts were already intense, perimenopause can stretch that window wider and make it more volatile.
ADHD: Many women with ADHD notice worsening focus, memory lapses, and emotional reactivity—especially if they were never formally diagnosed. (In fact, perimenopause is often when some women first realize they have ADHD.)
Anxiety and Depression: Even if well-managed before, you might feel like you’re backsliding into old patterns—or struggling in new ways that feel out of proportion to your current life stress.
The emotional bandwidth you used to rely on? It might feel shaky, and the coping strategies that once worked may suddenly not be enough.
It’s Not You Being "Too Sensitive"—It’s Your Nervous System Asking for Support
This is one of the hardest parts: the overlap between hormone-driven shifts and pre-existing conditions can be deeply confusing. You may find yourself wondering:
“Is this just perimenopause? Is my anxiety coming back? Am I missing something?”
These are all valid questions. You’re not imagining the intensity. And you’re not alone in feeling like you’re unraveling more than usual.
You Deserve Real Help—Not Just a Pat on the Back and a Heating Pad
Too often, women are told to “ride it out” or “wait for menopause.” But if you’re struggling to function, if your moods feel unmanageable, or if you’re seeing a sharp spike in symptoms that affect your relationships, work, or safety—it’s time to reach out for more support.
That could look like:
Talking to a therapist who specializes in midlife mental health or hormone-related mood shifts
Exploring medication adjustments with your doctor (including ADHD meds, SSRIs, or hormonal therapies)
Seeking an evaluation for ADHD or PMDD if you’ve never had one
Joining support groups or online communities for neurodivergent moms or those parenting through perimenopause
You’re Not Broken—You’re Complex
This phase often reveals just how interconnected your mental health, hormones, parenting demands, and identity truly are. That’s not something to fear—it’s something to honor.
You are layered, nuanced, and resilient. And just because this season is harder doesn’t mean you’re failing. It just means your care needs to evolve, too.
Boundaries and Rewriting the Mental Load
Let’s talk about the invisible spreadsheet in your head.
The one that tracks permission slips, pediatric appointments, lunch ingredients, your teen’s sudden emotional dip, your partner’s work travel, and the fact that you’re almost out of dog food. And somehow, while keeping all of that spinning, you’re also supposed to be patient, present, well-rested, and hormonally balanced?
No. Just… no.
Perimenopause has a way of bringing everything into sharper focus—what’s working, what’s not, and what’s costing more than it used to. This is your invitation to pause and ask: What if I didn’t carry all of this alone anymore?
The Mental Load Isn’t Just a List—It’s a Weight
The mental load is the emotional and cognitive labor of managing your family’s life. And it’s exhausting—not just because of how much you’re doing, but because of how responsible you feel for remembering and initiating it all.
During perimenopause, when memory, focus, and emotional regulation are already taxed, the weight of the mental load can feel unbearable. This isn’t you dropping the ball. It’s your nervous system waving a flag and saying: I can’t do this all at once anymore.
And maybe you never should’ve had to.
Step One: Redefine What It Means to "Hold It All Together"
Let’s get one thing clear: setting boundaries isn’t about pushing people away—it’s about protecting your capacity so you can show up more sustainably. It’s okay to let go of the idea that you have to be the emotional glue for everyone all the time.
Try reframing:
Old story: “If I don’t handle it, it won’t get done.”
New truth: “If I keep handling everything, no one else learns how—and I burn out.”
Step Two: Rebalance the Load—Practically and Emotionally
This doesn’t have to be an overnight overhaul. Start with small, intentional shifts:
Delegate without apology: Let your partner handle the birthday party RSVP list or ask your teen to manage their own laundry. Not as a punishment, but as a transfer of shared responsibility.
Choose what matters today: You don’t have to answer every school email or say yes to every request. Ask: What actually needs my energy right now? And let the rest wait—or go.
Write it down, then pass it on: Consider making a “family operations” list with tasks and timelines, then ask others to pick up a share. If it lives only in your head, you’re the only one who can manage it.
Step Three: Use Gentle but Clear Boundaries
Boundaries don’t have to sound harsh to be effective. Here are a few examples:
“I’m happy to help you with this, but I need 15 minutes first to regroup.”
“That sounds like something you can figure out. I believe in you.”
“I’m not available for extra planning this week—can we revisit next week?”
You’re not being difficult. You’re being clear. And that clarity can be a huge relief—for you and the people around you.
You Don’t Need to Do It All to Be Enough
One of the hardest shifts in midlife parenting is accepting that more doesn’t always mean better. You don’t have to prove your love through exhaustion. You don’t have to carry every detail to be a good parent. And you are allowed to ask for what you need—even if no one else seems to be struggling the way you are.
This is not about dropping every ball. It’s about choosing which ones are made of rubber, and which ones are made of glass. Let the right ones bounce.
Talking with Your Kids About Perimenopause (Without Oversharing)
You don’t have to pretend everything’s fine. But you also don’t have to turn your child into your therapist. The sweet spot? Being honest in a way that teaches your kids emotional awareness, without making them responsible for your well-being.
Perimenopause isn’t just something happening to you—it’s something your family feels, whether they realize it or not. Maybe your fuse is shorter than it used to be. Maybe you’re more tired, more sensitive, or just less available than you were a year ago. And maybe your kids are picking up on that, and wondering why.
The good news? Talking about it—lightly, honestly, and age-appropriately—can actually strengthen your connection and help your child learn how to name their own experiences, too.
Why Talking About It Matters
Children are intuitive. If they sense something’s off but no one explains it, they often fill in the blanks—and not in helpful ways. (“Mom’s mad at me,” “She doesn’t like being around me anymore,” or “Why is she crying again?”) A simple explanation helps clear the fog and reassures them: It’s not you. It’s not your fault. And I’m okay.
What to Say (and What Not To)
You don’t need to give them a crash course in hormones. You just need to open the door to understanding.
Try something like:
For younger kids (6–9):
“Sometimes my body feels a little extra tired or sensitive because of changes that happen to grown-ups. I still love you and want to be with you—even if I seem a little grumpy sometimes.”For tweens and teens (10–17):
“There’s a phase adults go through called perimenopause—kind of like a grown-up version of puberty. It can make my mood or energy feel unpredictable. I’m doing my best, and I want you to know if I seem off, it’s not about you.”
What not to do:
Don’t vent about how overwhelmed or miserable you are to them—save that for a partner, friend, or therapist.
Don’t turn them into your emotional caretaker (“I just need you to be really patient with me right now…”).
Don’t downplay it to protect them—kids benefit from seeing that big feelings are part of life, and that we can get through them together.
Use It as a Teaching Moment
This is also a powerful opportunity to normalize emotional changes and body awareness. By sharing that adults go through hormonal shifts too, you model self-awareness and permission to not be “on” all the time.
You’re showing your kids that:
It’s okay to have off days
It’s okay to ask for space or support
Bodies and feelings are connected, and change over time
This can be especially powerful if your child is nearing puberty themselves. It creates a shared language and builds empathy both ways.
Build Connection in Small Ways
You don’t have to have a big sit-down talk. In fact, these conversations often land better when they happen casually:
While driving in the car
During a walk or while folding laundry together
As part of a conversation about stress or feelings in general
And don’t underestimate the power of a simple check-in:
“I know I’ve seemed a little off lately. I’m working through something with my body, but I’m okay. Do you have any questions?”
The goal isn’t to hide your struggle—it’s to frame it with love and clarity. You’re not burdening your kids by being real. You’re giving them the tools to understand others, and eventually, to understand themselves.
And remember, you don’t need to say the perfect thing. You just need to say something that invites connection over confusion.
Conclusion
Parenting during perimenopause is a profound and often invisible balancing act—showing up for others while your own body and emotions shift under your feet. It’s not easy. But it’s not a personal failure, either. It’s a season of deep transition, and you’re allowed to need support, space, and softness as you move through it.
You’re not just guiding your children through their growth—you’re growing, too. And in that growth, there’s wisdom, strength, and the quiet beauty of becoming someone new. You don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to keep showing up—with as much grace for yourself as you give to everyone else.
You’re doing better than you think. And you’re not alone.
At Everyday Parenting, we believe in empowering families to create meaningful connections and navigate challenges with compassion and confidence. Whether you're seeking strategies to address specific behaviors or simply want to strengthen your family bond, we’re here to support you every step of the way. Contact us today to learn how our evidence-based approaches can help your family thrive.