Going Beyond the Shoulds in Mid-Life
Written By: Dr.Layne Raskin
She sat across from me, eyes full of both clarity and confusion, and said quietly, “I don’t even know what I like anymore.”
It’s a moment I hear about often—women who’ve spent decades doing everything they were supposed to: building careers, raising kids, being partners, showing up for everyone else. And then one day, often around a milestone like their youngest starting middle school or the first signs of perimenopause, the question sneaks in: What about me?
This isn’t a crisis. It’s a reckoning. A gentle, powerful invitation to look inward after years of looking outward. And it might just be the beginning of your reclamation.
The Decades of Doing: Living by the "Shoulds"
For many women, early adulthood feels like a track laid out in advance: go to school, find a partner, build a career, start a family. These “shoulds” are often handed to us without question—not just by society, but by well-meaning family, peers, and even our own younger selves who were trying to do the “right” thing. We’re told that following this path will bring security, happiness, and fulfillment. So we run hard, checking off boxes as we go.
In these decades of doing, we become experts in multitasking and caretaking. We carry grocery lists in our heads, calendars in our phones, and the emotional needs of our families in our hearts. We manage school drop-offs, birthday parties, deadlines, and dinner—often simultaneously. And while there’s meaning and love in much of this, there’s also a deep fatigue that builds over time. A quiet, accumulating depletion that can go unnoticed in the name of responsibility.
Most women I work with aren’t complaining about these years—they’re proud of them. They’re grateful for what they’ve built. But pride doesn’t erase the fact that somewhere along the way, selfhood becomes background noise. Decisions are made based on what the family needs, what the job requires, what makes the most sense. Rarely is there space to ask: What do I want? Or even more radically: What do I feel?
The truth is, we’re often taught that our worth is tied to how much we can handle. How much we can give. How well we can hold everything together. So we power through the headaches, the irritability, the loss of libido or creativity or sleep—because we’ve internalized the belief that showing up for everyone else is what makes us good.
But the cost of living by the "shoulds" is that we start to lose sight of our own inner compass. We silence the small voice inside that whispers things like, I miss painting, I want to run again, I’m not happy in this job, or I feel lonely even when I’m surrounded by people I love. These aren’t indulgences. These are signals—real, valid signals—that something inside you wants attention.
And here's the thing: you don’t have to regret the choices you've made to question the life you're living. Both can be true. You can be proud of your life and still long for more. You can love your family fiercely and still feel like you’ve lost pieces of yourself along the way. That doesn’t make you ungrateful. It makes you human.
The Wake-Up Call: When Life Pauses and the Questions Get Loud
There’s often no single, dramatic moment. More commonly, it creeps in quietly. A shift in the air, a new ache in the morning, a longer pause before answering someone else’s request. It might be when your youngest starts middle school and suddenly doesn’t need you in the same ways—or wants space you’re not used to giving. Maybe it’s a milestone birthday, or watching a friend go through a divorce, or the loss of a parent that rattles your sense of time. For many women, the physical and emotional changes of perimenopause stir up not just hormonal symptoms, but a deep, internal reckoning: Who am I now? And what do I want?
These questions don’t always arrive gracefully. Sometimes they burst forth in the middle of what looks like a perfectly fine life. You might be lying in bed next to someone you've been with for decades and feel a flicker of loneliness you can't quite name. You might find yourself crying in the car for reasons that feel both ridiculous and unshakably important. This is not you breaking down—it’s you waking up.
It can feel disorienting at first. After all, you’ve likely spent years, even decades, tuning in to the needs of others: your children, your partner, your job, your community. You’ve been the reliable one. The one who makes sure everyone’s okay. So when the silence hits—when there’s suddenly a little more room in your day, your home, or your body—the absence of noise doesn’t feel like peace. It feels like unfamiliar territory.
And this is where the questions get loud.
Do I even like this routine I’m in?
What would I do with my time if no one needed anything from me today?
When was the last time I felt truly alive?
It’s important to say: this reckoning isn’t selfish or dramatic or indulgent. It’s sacred. It’s the natural consequence of decades spent in service to others finally turning inward, gently or insistently, to ask: And now, what about me?
This moment—however quiet or messy or sudden it feels—is not a crisis. It’s a call. A call to come home to yourself.
The Lost Self: Buried Passions and Deferred Dreams
One of the most tender moments I witness in therapy is when a woman rediscovers a part of herself she hasn’t touched in years. Sometimes it’s a long-forgotten love of writing, the memory of getting lost in a sketchbook, or the pure, joyful movement of dancing. Often, it’s not even about what she used to do—but the way it made her feel: curious, alive, expressive, connected to something larger than the roles she now carries.
These buried passions don’t disappear. They just go quiet. Over time, in the rush of raising children, managing a home, building a career, and being a partner or caretaker, the parts of you that didn’t directly serve someone else’s needs got shelved. Not out of neglect, but out of necessity. You made space for what was most urgent. That’s what love and survival often require. And yet, over time, those sidelined parts of you begin to atrophy, like muscles you didn’t even realize you stopped using.
Women often tell me, “I don’t even remember what I used to enjoy.” Or, “I feel selfish wanting more when I already have so much.” These statements come not from a lack of gratitude, but from years of internalizing the message that their own wants must wait—that to be a “good mother” or “good partner” means not needing too much. But when we spend years deprioritizing ourselves, we don’t just lose hobbies—we lose access to identity, vitality, and desire.
And here’s the thing: your passions matter. Not because they lead to productivity or recognition, but because they are reflections of your essence—your inner world, your creativity, your unique spark. You don’t need to publish the book, sell the art, run the marathon. You just need to reconnect with the part of you that longs to do those things.
Reclaiming these deferred dreams isn’t about blowing up your life. It’s about reintegrating your self. You can start by remembering. What lit you up before the world told you what you should be doing? What did you love before you were consumed by the needs of others? If the answers feel foggy, that’s okay. That’s normal. This isn’t a test—it’s a process of gentle excavation.
Begin by noticing the moments when your energy lifts, even a little. Maybe it’s when you’re planting something in the garden. Maybe it’s singing along to that one song in the car, or having a conversation that makes you feel truly seen. These are the breadcrumbs. Follow them. Let them lead you back to the parts of you that still live quietly underneath the surface, waiting patiently for your return.
Reframing the Crisis: From “How Much Can I Handle?” to “How Good Can I Get?”
By the time many women hit midlife, they've developed an almost heroic capacity to endure. To manage. To juggle. The underlying question driving most days becomes, How much can I handle?—how many tasks, emotions, disappointments, and responsibilities can I carry and still show up with a smile?
This survival mode is often necessary. It gets us through the toddler years, demanding careers, family illnesses, financial uncertainty. And let’s be honest: women are often rewarded for it. You're praised for being strong, for never dropping the ball, for holding everyone else together. But strength without rest becomes brittle. And at some point, a deeper voice emerges—not one asking how to keep managing, but one wondering what might be possible if you weren’t in constant reaction mode.
What if the better question was: How good can I get?
This is not about perfection or productivity. It’s not about squeezing more out of your already-full life. It’s about shifting from endurance to expansion. From getting through your days to designing a life that reflects your wholeness—not just your utility.
How good can I get? means:
How nourished can I feel in my body?
How connected can I become in my relationships?
How creative, expressive, free can I allow myself to be?
How balanced can my energy feel—not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually?
When women allow themselves to ask these questions, everything changes. Not all at once. Not necessarily in visible, dramatic ways. But internally, there’s a shift in posture—from clenching to opening. From surviving to becoming. This is the awakening that often gets mislabeled as a “midlife crisis.” It’s not a crisis. It’s clarity.
And clarity has gravity. It will pull you toward people, experiences, and choices that reflect your evolving truth. Sometimes this means making changes—small at first, like reclaiming your mornings, or big, like changing careers or redefining a relationship. But more often, it means making a quiet, internal decision: I am allowed to want more. I am allowed to pursue joy, not just resilience.
This is the beginning of reclaiming authorship of your life—not just as a parent, partner, or professional, but as a full, vibrant human being.
Small Shifts, Big Moves: Beginning the Reclamation
After years—sometimes decades—of orienting your life around other people’s needs, stepping back into yourself can feel daunting. It’s not uncommon to think, Where do I even begin? But the beauty of this reclamation is that it doesn’t require a dramatic overhaul. The beginning is not loud. It’s not flashy. It’s quiet, intentional, and deeply personal.
In therapy, we often talk about the difference between a life overhaul and a life alignment. Alignment is about making small shifts that steer you closer to your values, your desires, and your vitality. It starts with permission—the permission to explore, to play, to want. And then it builds, slowly but powerfully, from there.
1. Make Space for Yourself—Literally and Figuratively
Start with just 30 minutes a week. Not to clean, or catch up on emails, or “get ahead”—but for something that is purely yours. Paint, write, walk, read, sit in silence. Give yourself time that doesn’t need to produce anything. The goal is not output—it’s presence. This small pocket of time begins to signal to your nervous system: I matter too.
2. Start a Desire Journal
Every day, jot down one thing you wanted. It doesn’t have to be profound. I wanted to stay in bed longer. I wanted to eat lunch outside. I wanted to not answer that text. The point is to reconnect with the part of you that knows what it wants—even if it’s been quiet. Over time, this practice reawakens your sense of agency and begins to untangle your needs from the noise of everyone else's.
3. Say “No” Once a Week
It sounds simple, but many women struggle to say no—even to things they don’t want to do. Start practicing. Choose one obligation, invitation, or expectation that doesn’t serve you and let it go. Not with guilt, but with clarity. Every no is a yes to something else—often to yourself.
4. Do One Thing That Makes You Feel Alive
What makes you feel like you? Not useful. Not responsible. Alive. It might be dancing in your kitchen, taking photos, trail running, singing, volunteering, having deep conversations. Choose one thing a week that puts you in touch with that spark. Not to perform, not to impress, but to remember.
5. Reach Out—Even Just a Little
The midlife reclamation can feel lonely, especially if your social world is still operating from the old version of you. Find someone who’s walking a similar path. A friend. A group. A therapist. You don’t have to do this alone. You were never meant to.
This is not about starting over. It’s about starting within. The shifts don’t have to be seismic to be sacred. Every small act of self-respect, every boundary honored, every desire acknowledged is a step toward reclaiming the self that was never truly lost—just buried under years of doing what needed to be done.
And now? Now it’s time to ask: What do I want to do—not because I have to, but because I get to?
The Power of Modeling: Why Your Reclamation Matters to Your Family
So many women hesitate when it comes to reclaiming time, space, and energy for themselves. There’s a deep-rooted fear that it’s selfish—or worse, that by shifting focus inward, they’re letting someone else down. But here’s the truth: when you begin to live in alignment with your own values and desires, you’re not just healing yourself. You’re teaching the people around you—especially your children—what a whole, thriving woman looks like.
Children are always watching. Even when they roll their eyes, even when they pretend not to notice, they are absorbing the way we show up in our lives. They learn from how we treat ourselves. If they see a mother who never rests, never asks for help, never says no, and never invests in her own joy, they internalize those messages. Not just about you, but about what adulthood requires—especially for girls, and especially around womanhood.
Now imagine they see something different. Imagine they witness a mother who values her well-being. Who listens to her needs. Who expresses creativity, sets boundaries with love, and lives with purpose that goes beyond productivity. That image, that lived example, is more powerful than any lecture. It shows them that adulthood doesn’t have to be synonymous with depletion.
For your daughters, your reclamation tells them that they are not required to disappear inside of service to others. That they are allowed to be complex, evolving, whole people. That ambition, creativity, rest, and joy are not luxuries—they’re essential.
For your sons, it teaches a different kind of respect. It shows them that women’s needs are not secondary. That partnership means recognizing the humanity and aspirations of everyone in the family. That nurturing goes both ways.
And for your partner, your friends, and your community? Your shift invites them into a more authentic relationship with you—not one built on silent sacrifice, but on mutual honesty and care. When you honor yourself, you give others permission to do the same. You raise the standard for what healthy, sustainable relationships can look like.
So yes, this work is for you. But it’s also for them.
Not because you owe it to them, but because healing is generational. And when one person in a family system decides to live more fully, more intentionally, more honestly—it changes the entire emotional climate of that home.
Your reclamation matters. Not just because you deserve to live a vibrant, connected life. But because your family deserves to see what’s possible when women are allowed to be whole.
Conclusion: Coming Home to Yourself
This isn’t about throwing away the life you’ve built. It’s about weaving yourself back into it. Midlife isn’t a crisis—it’s a threshold. A powerful moment to pause, reflect, and choose what comes next with intention.
You are allowed to ask: What about me?
You are allowed to want more—more joy, more depth, more you.
Reclamation doesn’t happen all at once. It begins with small, steady choices that honor who you are becoming. And with each one, you take a step closer to coming home to yourself.
At Everyday Parenting, we believe in empowering families to create meaningful connections and navigate challenges with compassion and confidence. Whether you're seeking strategies to address specific behaviors or simply want to strengthen your family bond, we’re here to support you every step of the way. Contact us today to learn how our evidence-based approaches can help your family thrive.